This morning I had a strange dream. It was short, I had been up early to get my daughter where she needed to be on time and had laid back down for a few minutes before starting the day’s activities. Even so, it was one of those dreams you can really feel. Like when you’re dreaming about eating something and it’s so real you can almost taste it. Inevitably you wake up just before the desired item touches your tongue and find yourself craving it all day.
Right as I was falling into a deep sleep I felt my (now very ex) husband crawl into bed and cuddle up beside me. His body curled around mine in a way that was totally familiar and comfortable much like that pair of pajama pants I’ve had for close to a decade. Part of my brain was well aware that this was NOT reality and oh so wrong on every level but that didn’t diminish the vividness of the experience. He wrapped his arm around my body; I could feel him touching me, hinting at foreplay. It felt normal in the dream though that tiny corner of my brain was still flashing warning lights, even if they were dim and far away. Suddenly, both in dream and reality, my youngest son burst into the room. It all vanished leaving a lingering sense of…I don’t even know. Weirdness maybe.
My ex-husband and I have a court date this week. I’m not going to go into detail right now but it’s a big deal. A very big deal. Luckily I’ve had less than two weeks notice to prepare for this one. Only two weeks to brood and build anxiety over what may or may not happen on Tuesday and what may or may not be happening in the mean time. I think that weird, strangely lucid dream is an offshoot of the anxiety. The product of my overactive brain. That and this persistent feeling like a giant Pillsbury Dough Boy is sitting on my chest. I’m not quite suffocating but it’s a little harder to breath all the same. Though that did get just a bit lighter when my kids came back to me Thursday.
The thing is you never know what will happen when the court system is involved, at least that’s been my experience. There is no slam dunk, no ace in the hole, no guarantees. And like I said this is a big fucking deal! Everyone says it’ll be fine; I’ll be okay. I’d like to believe them.
No, actually, I do know that’s true. Worst case scenario, nothing changes. As we’ve already seen I can be “fine” with that. I can do “okay.” I’m an expert at being “okay” no matter what. Even when I’m not because, really, what other choice is there? Breath in, breath out, try not to stress. Fold the laundry, plunge the toilet, run. One foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward through time. That’s all there is to do about it. I’ll be fine. It’ll be okay. That’s what they all say. They can’t all be wrong.