My non-resolution this year was to find a way to have faith. Just a couple weeks into the new year and that has already been a challenging task. Mostly because of this irksome court case. It’s nearing the end after more than six months of random days in court, many of which fall on my class days and times. This makes doing well in the tough classes I’m taking even more difficult than it would otherwise be. I mean, c’mon, isn’t going to school while parenting five kids and managing a household enough challenge??? (In case it’s not clear the answer to that is Yes…yes it is enough). Not only has the added time away from class and studying made my life just a bit more difficult, the stress of it all has been weighing pretty heavily on me. It’s like a low level ringing in my ears, always there in the background of day to day life pulling me down, making it harder to think and retain information.
In a recent conversation about the whole court thing my sister pointed to something that happened a couple months ago as a good sign, a sign of hope she said. I told her I just could not look at it like that. I’m trying to have faith in a system that has let me down before, trying to believe that truth does indeed prevail. I’m trying and am doing an okay job of convincing myself to have faith but I really can’t bring myself to hope. I pointed to how crushing it was for me two years ago when I thoroughly believed things would go a different way than they did. Until the very last moment when it actually happened, I never truly thought things would end the way they did. I had complete faith that somehow they would go the “right” way and turn out as I thought they should. They didn’t. I can’t hope like that again and be disappointed again. I’m not sure I have it in me to pick myself up from anything like that again. Her reply to this was “That’s okay, I have hope for you.” I laughed and told her that she is my designated hope-er. She could carry this hope for me, that would have to be good enough.
On my work weekends I have a lot of quiet and alone time to think. This is both good and bad. A couple weeks ago when we had court early the following week it was bad. Court day came around and I was edgy and more anxious than I normally would be even in that stressful situation. I missed my kids and had too much space to think about it. It was one of those times when the house was too big, too empty, life was too calm. Trouble with day sleeping that weekend made it worse. This past weekend threatened to be like that with another upcoming court date and sleep troubles. I found myself thinking back to that conversation with my sister. Knowing that she had hope, that she saw good things and possibilities where I could not gave me a sense of calm. There was a tiny bit of relief and peace knowing that she was carrying hope for me. It felt like I had handed a small part of the stress to her and that made things just a tiny bit better. While I can’t accurately say I’m feeling optimistic about all this as it (hopefully) winds down, I am calmer and handling life better than I might have been a few short weeks ago.