In the last month of 2016 I did this thing. Again. I created an online dating profile and threw my hat into the ring.
It had been close to a year since I conscientiously decided that my life had no room for dating. But then things started to feel different. I was…idk. Feeling more ready to have a regular someone? Or maybe I was just a little sadder and more lonely than usual. Maybe I was trying to distract myself from the lingering uncertainty and imminent disappointment of not having gotten a fall interview for dental school. Maybe I saw a few blank days on the calendar and, knowing how poorly I still handle more than three days in a row without my kids (especially when there’s no school to occupy my time), sought to fill them. Mostly I think I just wanted connection, positive human interaction to look forward to. And I found that. For a hot minute. Just.
A couple weeks into the process I had already been on three dates. One was fun but it was pretty clear the feelings were only platonic. One was a little awkward and almost boring. The other, though, that one had potential. It lead to a second then third date. There was the right amount of texting in between with banter, sarcasm, and regular conversation. He got my slightly sarcastic and jaded, dry sense of humor. It was great and on top of that he was local and had enough life stuff of his own going on to not be boring, desperate, or overly clingy. (In retrospect that’s a little ironic.) Both personally and logistically there was promise here. That is, until a few days ago. We had talked about “doing something” Monday or Tuesday. He said he was definitely interested. That was on Friday, I think, and regular texting continued for another day or so. And then… nothing. A-fucking-gain. Dude just stops responding to texts.
I’ve only sent two. One Sunday night asking Monday or Tuesday and one Monday afternoon saying “Welp, guess not today huh”. And, yes, it’s only Tuesday but given that there were tentative plans I’m taking this as a bad sign. This isn’t the first or, sadly, even the second time I’ve been “ghosted”. Maybe I’m wrong here but I highly doubt it.
So now I’ve been properly (re)disillusioned about dating. And it sucks. Again. It dredges up the same feelings as before. Frustration, anger, and some good ol’fashioned hurt. But did I really attach that fast? And if I did what the fuck is wrong with me??? It’s been maybe a month since the chatting and then texting began and only three dates. That’s not personal investment level time even if the guy seemed like a good fit. Which makes me wonder, is it him or just the rejection that’s got me all bent up inside?
Hell, maybe it’s the post holiday let down or the recent inability to sleep or the empty house and missing the kids. Or all of the above, along with the aforementioned looming dental school disappointment. Probably all of the above.
But, seriously, again?!?!
I think there’s some effed up homing mechanism in my head, like the thing that helps birds migrate back to the exact same spot every year except mine acts as a beacon to the guys who are going to disappear. Really I should start a service where I suss out the ghosters for other women. (I could be a Ghoster detector…a Ghoster Buster!) Because if I like them and there seems to be potential, well, chances are he’s going to disappear. Maybe it’ll be a few weeks, maybe a month or three, but one day he’ll just drop off the face of the earth. Figuratively speaking of course. Unless that’s what is literally happening. There could be a Bermuda triangle of guys I started sort of dating out there somewhere. That would explain a lot…
At any rate, I’m not sure how I want to let this affect my recent spate of online dating attempts. Is this the hot pan that I pull back from quickly, thankful the burn wasn’t worse, or the cold lake that I jump into and tolerate until I’ve adapted?