Hitting a low

Life, it’s been beating me down lately. Between parenting (which I’m pretty sure I suck at right now), coaching (middle school kids), working (super shitty night shifts), and trying (but mostly failing) to maintain some semblance of a half marathon training schedule I’m burnt right the fuck out. Like a tough, over cooked steak I’m beyond done. I’ve been feeling it for a while but Sunday was when it really hit me.

The day started early because I had to take my sixteen year old to my sister’s so he could babysit her kids while she was at Equestrian Team regionals with my daughter (but mostly the other high school team she coaches). Even though I hadn’t been to the meet once yet over the weekend I went back home instead of heading up there. I wanted to go back to bed but I knew this was the only time available to clean up and do the dishes from Saturday’s big breakfast that were still strewn about the kitchen and dining room. Later that day I was extremely thankful I did.

A couple hours later I was finally on my way to watch my daughter show in her last few classes of the regional meet she had worked so hard to get to. I left three other kids and two friends playing video games and eating cereal. As I was leaving the shit storm was brewing. My younger sister had posted on our family’s Facebook group page asking for opinions about set up for her upcoming wedding. I responded, as did other people, saying the area in question would make a good kids’ activity space. She then asked if I wanted to coordinate this. To which I responded that I could not as I’m way too busy this week. It’s the third time she’s called me out specifically asking me to do something in the few days leading up to the wedding and (at least) the third time I’ve told her I cannot. Not that I don’t want to, I literally cannot. I had however, already told her I’d be more than happy to help clean up after the wedding. I just can’t do anything before. Why? Well, reread the second sentence of the post, I’m busy and already stretched thin. Apparently that’s irrelevant. I got shit for stating (again) that I’m not able to help before the wedding. Which, by the way, is on a fucking Thursday afternoon.

Later in the day, after being at the equestrian team meet for most the day, getting pestered via text by my almost thirteen year old about letting his friend go to his football game with him (which was a solid no as said friend would be unsupervised and needed to go home), stopping at the grocery store for dinner essentials and cat and dog food (which we were completely out of), I headed back over to my sister’s to pick up my daughter and the son who had been babysitting all freakin day. At this point it was close to seven in the evening. I still needed to make dinner and get everyone on track for school Monday. Plus I really needed to sleep a little before my shift at work started (10:30pm).

After handing my sister (not the one who is getting married, the one who was at the meet with my daughter) a twenty dollar bill in an apparently inadequate attempt to contribute to the cost of hauling the horse she informs me that it cost her at least $50 a week. Oh and that I don’t do enough for my daughter’s showing and she’s tired of helping her so much. I told her I’m doing the best I can. The bottom line, that’s not good enough.

That seems to be the message of the week. And it’s only Wednesday evening.

Even later Sunday evening I was finally getting the pre-work nap I needed. A whole hour and a half to sleep, some of it with my eight year old sitting next to me with a flashlight and a book. I didn’t have time to read him a bedtime story; this was the compromise. Thankfully he got tired too and decided to close his eyes after fifteen or so minutes.

An hour and twenty minutes into my nap (barely half an hour before I needed to leave for work) excessive dog barking woke me up followed by a knock on my bedroom door. “Mom, someone from CPS is at the door. They need to talk to you.”

And that was just the beginning of the week. It’s nearing the end of Wednesday. I think I’ve almost made it through but I can’t remember where one week ends and the next begins. When you work the whole weekend it’s not really something to look forward to. In fact I’m not sure what I should be looking forward to right now. Yes, my sister is getting married next week and that’s a celebration. My whole crazy family will be in one place, something that rarely happens anymore. And it’s going to be great. And, yeah, the half marathon I’ve been prepping for is ten days away. I’m excited about it.

But the celebration and excitement seem hypothetical and far away. Vague. Like oncoming headlights in a thick fog. Today, this week, I’m feeling (but trying not to wallow in) the low. I don’t remember another time in my recent personal history where things felt this downright bad. But I know, somewhere deep in my core, that that’s only because time dulls these pains and it has been much much worse. That somehow I’ve always made it through to the other side; this is a low, but it’s far from the lowest of the lows.

It could’ve been worse

So last week was one of those weeks. You know the kind – where everything seems to go just a little wrong and then a lot more wrong. First off I was scheduled to work over the holiday weekend with 3 twelve hour night shifts. Oof. But it could’ve been worse because I did get holiday pay.


Then Tuesday morning driving home from my last 12 hour night shift my car overheated on the freeway! Oh shit. I was scared – and let me give you a little background to explain why. My co-blogger and I work at a brain injury rehab where several of the clients have brain injuries caused by auto accidents. One former client had trouble on the same freeway I was stuck on and was hit by a second car and lost her legs. I’d heard the story multiple times in varying degrees of horrifying detail. So as I was sitting there waiting for my car to cool down this was the story that kept going through my brain. I was unable to get ahold of my boyfriend because he was sleeping (also works nights) despite multiple phone calls. Turns out he took advice I gave earlier in the week and turned his phone on silent so it would quit waking him up during the day!! However I had a friend who was able to bring me some water so I could get off the freeway (without spending money on a tow) and wait for my dad, who was coming to rescue me, in a nice safe parking lot. But it could’ve been worse because it only cost me $30 and some sleep to get my car back in working order. Whew!


After my car incident I had to go back into work that night on very very little sleep. But it could’ve been worse because I do have a great co-worker and there’s Red Bull.

Friday I had to work my second job as a part-time secretary for a retired Forensic Psychiatrist who also happens to be a Holocaust survivor. (Seriously one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met.) I’ve been working for him for about 10 years unfortunately now his health has taken a turn for the worst. It makes getting work completed very difficult because he’s not as able and because all his talk of his death gets tough for me to handle without breaking down. But it could’ve been worse because he’s still plugging along and still has lots of good days.

Friday night my boyfriend, who, by the way, felt awful for missing my phone calls earlier in the week, and I went to the drive-in. Pretty fun experience. Well the car battery died. I just rolled my eyes and figured I was bad luck for the week! But it could’ve been worse because the couple in the car next to us jumped the car and away we went.


Then Saturday night we celebrated my co-blogger’s birthday and there was a really varied turn out of people. There were a lot of individuals that were from different social groups. But it couldn’t have been better.