For the love of it

The weekend that everything shut down in Michigan my partner and I were signed up to do a Pi Day run. It was a fun, no stakes 5k on a (kind of boring) course that we’ve done a few races on. The most exciting thing about it was the the shirt and metal….and as any casual runner knows, after a couple years of doing these races neither is in short supply. And I’ve been a regular, casual runner for the past ten years now. I’ve got an abundance of shirts, medals (mostly finisher medals), race logo bearing headbands, hats, gloves and so on and so forth. But I was still quite disappointed when the Pi Day run got cancelled and I realized there would be no new race paraphernalia that weekend…or for quite a while as it turns out.

Some of the race swag I’ve collected over the years.

In lieu of the scheduled race we were offered the option to defer our registration to another of this companies races or to switch our registration to a “virtual race”. I’ve heard of these “virtual races”, they existed even before the pandemic forced us into isolation, but  I’ve never understood the appeal. I did briefly consider switching my registration for the Pi Run to a virtual race, I really wanted a Pi Day shirt and metal! But that would mean we basically just bought a shirt and silly metal for $45. That’s $90 for the two of us…To a cheapskate like myself that’s not justifiable.

So why then am I willing to pay so much to go run a relatively easy distance on a lame course at a super non-competitive pace? (Because let’s be real, I’ve got no chances of placing at these big events.)

I’ve asked myself this many times over the years and occasionally have decided it’s not worth it but more often than not if a race catches my attention I’m willing to shell out the dough, get up somewhat early on a weekend morning, and go spend some time running with a bunch of equally silly random strangers. Sometimes the weather is quite unpleasant. Sometimes it’s very early. Sometimes we’re wearing ridiculous outfits. Why?? Because it’s fun (and we’re slightly off our rockers). There’s nothing like a crowd of enthusiastic runners waiting around in the early morning mist for the gun to go off. The energy is unique and palpable. There’s a sense of camaraderie, personal challenge, and adventure.

Personally, signing up for a variety of races throughout the year helps keep me motivated as a runner. It gives me a structured goal to push myself towards, it helps motivate me to challenge myself whether it be by running a longer distance or trying to beat a personal best time. It also brings a sense of community to running.

Doing fun and/or challenging races has kept me excited about running for the past decade. But now, that’s all on hold….So what now?

These days, like so many people, I find myself with much more time on my hands than usual and some pretty decent weather. I’ve been able to get out and run three, usually four times a week. But it’s just running with no goals in sight; no fun race, no interesting medal, fun experience or shirt to show for all my time spent running. It’s just running…for the sake of running. Of course there are the usual benefits of getting fresh air and sunshine, time spent alone to let my mind wander, all that but no additional external motivation.

I’ve been thinking a lot about time lately. I still have demands on mine and things to fill most of it but, right now during this everything shut down stay-at-home-order (I’m not even sure what to call it), I have the most unstructured time that I’ve had since I was eighteen and fresh out of high school. It’s most certainly a dramatic difference from what I’m used to. On one hand it’s unnerving; I’m not great at self-managing without some sort of structure. But on another hand, it’s quite lovely being able to choose what to do with so much of my time. And the things I’m choosing to do, mostly, are things that I am doing for no other reason than to do them. For example, I crocheted a big fat scarf. We’re heading into much warmer weather, I don’t have any person or purpose in mind for this scarf… I just made it for the fun of it. I liked the colors and thought they called for a chevron pattern. SO I crocheted a scarf. My running this past month has been just like that: it doesn’t necessarily have a purpose or plan, there’s no real reward other than the enjoyment of the time spent doing it. Right now that’s enough.

The wide chevron scarf in progress. 

So much about this pandemic and being “quarantined”, about this forced slamming the brakes on life as we know it, really sucks. For so many people it does. I get it, I’m living that too. Seniors in both high school and college are missing out on socially important milestones and there’s no getting those back. It’s especially hard for students who are missing their final season of a sport. In the grand scheme of things that might be inconsequential but in reality it’s a heavy loss to bear. I’m not going to put a positive spin on that, not even going to try, but I do hope some of those athletes are using this time to engage in their sport, to practice their craft at whatever level they can, just for the sake of doing it.

I need a moment

I need to take a moment to be sad. To just sit with this deep, gut wrenching sense of sorrow and loss that’s been pulling at the edge of my existence for a while now, a little blurry but definitively present. This week, though, it’s brought it into focus. Sharp, clear, unignorable focus. This week, with confirmation of the end of the school year for all the kids; this week with the news that my education and progress will be significantly delayed; this week is ominous and dark in contrast to the sudden spring we’re experiencing outside.

It brings me back to a time when my kids were babies and young toddlers; some days were rough. There was layer upon layer of defeat and frustration piled on throughout the day but there I’d be, keeping it together, until someone threw a toy and it accidentally hit my face, maybe caught the corner of my eye, and it really hurt. Just for a second, but the pain was intense and it brought to a head all the feelings I’d been pushing down and keeping under control all day. And suddenly I’d be sobbing because it’s not just that few minutes of physical pain that you’re feeling but the summation of all that you’ve been carrying up to that moment. 

I know that we’re very likely going to be okay, that in the grand scheme of things we’ll get through this, probably changed but still intact. I know that I’ve made it through much, much worse and that the way through is one day at a time. I know that I, and my family, are fortunate to have the safety and stability to bunker down and that thus far we are fortunate that the only losses we are mourning are losses of what we perceived our short term futures would be. Because many aren’t so fortunate. I know that, and that’s all good and fine. But, today, I still need this moment to sit with my sorrow because it is real and it is valid; the only way past this is through it. 

Sitting with the Uncertainty

March 2020: the month of the 1000 piece puzzle

I don’t know what day of “quarantine”/”social distancing”/isolation we’re on here. Heck, like most people now, I don’t even know what day it is. I do know that it’s almost the end of March and that I’ve got a big presentation to give (online) tomorrow and that that presentation which is supposed to last half an hour is not put together yet.

I’ve been suffering from too much time. Even when life has maintained its normal daily structure too much time is a phenomenon students and professional procrastinators throughout the globe are familiar with. It occurs when you know you have plenty of time to finish something but instead of spreading the work nice and evenly over all that time, you tell yourself “I’ve got time.” As in, “I really should start researching…but I’ve got so much time still.” In this pandemic induced stopping of nearly all time related obligation (for most of us), the too much time phenom has kicked into overdrive. It’s on steroids and is raging.

But this blase attitude, this extreme lack of motivation to do the things I need to do in allllll the time I now have available to do them, it’s more than the usual procrastinating tendencies. There’s a vague sense of purposeless that presses down like a heavy fog. The emotional roller coaster that takes you from “but look, I’m able to run almost every day and I’ve been getting so much sleep” to crying in the bathroom because Detroit is burning and so many people are not working and how are we all going to pay our bills and eat??? Back to thoughts of how much I’m saving just by not driving 110 miles back and forth to Detroit every day and then again to worries over my parents and my brother-in-law with frequent lung infections who was left a single parent by my sister’s sudden death a year and a half ago… and so I wander around the house and stare vaguely out the window. I try to check in on friends and family but get distracted by the cesspool of social media. And the hours somehow tick by. Slowly. But nothing happens. My presentation isn’t done. The information for my upcoming (also online)  tests and quizzes sits untouched.

Lat night while staring at my computer and feeling very stressed about the work I wasn’t doing, my best friend tested me with a question about her son’s teeth. All the dentist offices are closed until who knows when so an almost third year dental student is an okayish substitute. After we went back and forth about the lesion in her teenager’s mouth we started the usual chit chat about daily life, the kids, etc. Because some things haven’t changed. “Today was very somber, everyone is getting very weary around here.” she texts. I know exactly what she means; the reality of the current situation is setting in. At first there was a sense of novelty about everyone being stuck at home. Things were changing day by day, it was novel and sharp; there was a sense of urgency to take collective action and stem the tide of this pandemic. Very rah-rah-cis-boom-bah! And you could kind of pretend that the kids were just on an extended spring break from school and that’s cool and normal enough to get through it. But now there are rumors that they won’t be back this school year. There is a heavy sadness for the graduating (maybe?) classes who are missing all the festivities and emotions of such a pivotal moment in their young lives. We’ve been at home for almost three weeks. Or maybe this coming week is the third week. We’ve been at home, our lives have been slammed into a bleak limbo, for a timeless amount of time that will go on for unknown many days or weeks more.

And that’s it; that’s life for so many of us. We sit and watch the news, wondering who to trust and what is real. We watch the numbers climb ominously: confirmed cases of the virus, number of Covid-19 deaths, hospitals that are at capacity. Here in Michigan we look at the county-by-county break down of the number of cases each day and hope that we’ll see the effects of the Social Distancing protocols Stay at Home order that’s been in place since mere days after the first couple cases were confirmed. We need all this sitting and waiting to mean something.

We need results!

But what we have is uncertainty and all we really can do is just sit with the uncertainty and try to be at peace.

All’s Well That Ends with Pie

This past weekend went from packed to zero in a disorientingly rapid fashion thanks to covid 19 and social distancing. It’s been very strange but I’m grateful that Michigan’s governor has been aggressive in preemptively closing schools, cancelling gatherings, and strongly encouraging social distancing.

The schedule clearing actually started Wednesday morning, a quarter of my class was supposed to attend an interprofessional education session at Oakland University with second year medical students but with the first two cases of Covid 19 confirmed in Michigan, one from my school’s county and the other in OU’s, that event was cancelled….fifteen minutes before it was supposed to start. Soon my youngest son’s regional spelling bee scheduled for Friday was cancelled followed closely by the Pi Day run we had signed up for and then the youngest’s last basketball game. By Thursday evening all the K-12 schools in Michigan were closed for the next three weeks and the outlook for this week had shifted dramatically. My spring break is this week anyway, now I get to enjoy a little more down time with the kids over break.

Still, though, I was at a bit of a loss over how to fill all the new found time. And somewhat disappointed about the cancelled Pi Run. I love Pi Day and have been waiting for years for it to fall on a weekend so we could do a good and proper Pi themed race. Clearly some Pi day Pies were in order…to ease the disappointment and fill the time.

You may not be aware of this but pies are one of my favorite things to bake. I enjoy the challenge of making a good, flaky golden pie crust from scratch and there are so many possible types and combinations of crusts, styles, and fillings. Pies are truly an art form, one I’ve practiced at for years…this round of pies, though, was more learning experience than art.

First there was the banana cream pie, my daughter had her wisdom teeth extracted on Wednesday afternoon and still wasn’t eating full on solid foods by Saturday. We had two slightly past ripe bananas and she likes the cheap and easy pudding mix banana cream pie. No big deal right? wrong! Enter the apocalypse: Friday night the local stores were all out of milk. Cleaned right out. We had half a gallon but with four kids in the house that does not go very far. I did have a couple cartons of coconut mix in the cupboards and a quick Google search told me I could substitute coconut milk for regular milk in pudding mix. Great! I mixed it the pudding mix and coconut milk, folded in some whipped cream, poured it over sliced bananas in a premade graham cracker crust, and put it in the fridge to set. Except it didn’t set. Apparently I should have read a little further on my search, instant pudding mix does not thicken when made with coconut milk and hours later the filling was still liquid. I poured the liquid off the sliced bananas and mixed in some more cool whip. Another while later there was still no signs of setting so into the freezer it went and we had frozen banana pie.

 

The liquidy mess

The next pie on my list was a classic apple pie. It’s one I’ve made (relatively) often for years and it usually turns out awesome. The crust is a very simple recipe of flour, salt, water and shortening but I like to use half coconut oil and half shortening. I didn’t realize I was out of shortening until I was making the crust so I just used coconut oil this time. As I was mixing the water in and wrapping the crusts to refrigerate I noticed they were a little dry but I didn’t think much of it; a flaky crust dances the too dry line anyway.

When I took it out of the fridge a while later and started to roll I realized this one landed on the dry side of that line.

Ooops. Luckily even a crumbly crusted pie tastes pretty darn good.

Lastly, I decided to make a pumpkin pie. Three pies may seem excessive but with everyone home and loitering about it really is not. (In fact, there’s maybe two pieces left now and it’s only Monday.) My 19 year old son made the crust for this one, he noticed that it looked a little dry and had the foresight to add more liquid.

It came out perfectly.

Despite the foibles of these pies they made for a delicious Stay at home Pi Day celebration.

Second Year of Dental School

A few short months ago, back at the beginning of fall semester, a couple random classmates and I were chatting while standing in line to use a model trimmer. We were talking about the newly minted first year dental students and how fresh faced and eager they all were (as, I’m sure, we were just a year prior). Having newer dental students at the school was quite novel to us then. Somebody mentioned that one of the newbs was Vlogging dental school, another kid commented that a few people have Vlogged first year of dental school but nobody vlogs second year.

See, second year of dental school is a bit like Fight Club in that you don’t talk about the second year,not while you’re in it

….because you just don’t have the time and energy Actually it’s like Fight Club in some other ways too: second year students (D2s) all look pretty rough and beat but there’s a comradery to being on the inside, it’s challenging but we’re revelling in the difficulty of the tasks at hand, getting through it provokes a deep sense of pride and accomplishment. But, mostly, we are all in pain (physically from stress and lack of sleep or mentally and emotionally) and questioning our collective existence while just trying to survive the hours and hours of labs and lectures; just trying to get through the competencies and skills tests, the rotations and the exams. Holy hell, the exams! We had 10 finals total, 8 in one week along with a random four hour Sim lab crammed in for good measure. By the end of finals week the D2s looked like the walking dead in scrubs.

But we survived. We all somehow made it to the two and a half week December break and, as far I can tell, most everyone did so thoroughly enough to make it to the next semester.

So what is the point of this post? I’m not really sure…to share the misery? Not really. To give you a peek into the life of a D2 student? Definitely not! There just isn’t time; another intense semester just started and it’s going to be at least as arduous as the one I just survived. In fact, the schedule this semester was so daunting that I considered going off grid and not coming back to school….if only I wasn’t already a quarter million dollars deep in student loan debt. Most likely I just need to whine a little about this. Because it is, and has been, super rough these past few months. In the really tired moments I question what I’m doing and why I’m here. I wonder if I made a huge mistake and feel panic and dread inside. On paper I am excited and grateful to be where I am and to have this opportunity (and I really, truly am) but the magnitude of the task at hand is great. I don’t feel ready and suddenly I just don’t know if I can handle the responsibility of patients’ health and well-being resting in my hands. All those decisions being mine to make and the consequences if them being my responsibility (and liability).

Towards the end of that brutal finals week, while sitting in a small room with a few classmates who have also become friends, trying to cram enough information into my brain to do okay on the next final, I brought it up. “Maybe I’m Not supposed to be a dentist and I should just go home now.” I said in a not quite joking tone. I question and doubt myself on a daily basis right now. I feel like I’ve worked so hard and learned so much since August of 2018 but I really don’t know anything. How am I going to be ready to treat patients in four very short months? One of my friends whose dad is a dentist then said she’d been feeling the same way lately and that she unloaded to her dad about it. Apparently he reassured her that most dental students feel that way at some point in second year.

The self-doubt is real, folks, but it seems this is “normal” for the second year of dental school. Congratulations, me, I’m normal! Maybe this self-doubt and sense of impending dread that’s so pervasive is what makes us into good dentists. Perhaps the fear of being incompetent and harming people with our ineptitude is what motivates us D2s to kick it up yet another notch and push ourselves just a little harder. Could it be that this stress and struggle is the transforming fire that we have to pass through? I guess we’ll see.

And dentists!

A Semi-dry September

I just realized that my sister’s wedding is in two weeks and I’m still fat. (Okay, a little chubby.) I had meant to be thinner by now. Apparently I like food a little too much…and beer. It’s probably the beer.

Earlier this calendar year I talked about the weight gain that has accompanied me starting dental school. I spoke of the need to scratch out time during the (extremely) busy week to run regularly as a means of, hopefully, losing a few pounds but also to keep myself healthy. Fight the man impending hypertension!

I’ve been fairly successful at implementing a plan to run at least three times a week. There’s been a crazy week here and there that I haven’t, but overall I’m back to regular running. I’ve even been managing to drag myself out of bed a little earlier on weekdays

to get in three miles instead of the two I had been. On top of all that I’ve been eating a salad for lunch pretty much every day that I’m at school.

But still that freaking scale has refused to budge.

Over the August break (18 whole days od freedom between the summer and fall terms) I saw a slight downward flux but then school started and it was like those four pounds were never gone. So much for positive momentum.

Obviously I need to do something different. What’s that they say about insanity and doing the same thing over and over? Yup, I’m feeling that. Which is why I’ve come up with the idea of having a semi-dry September. It’s like the “dry month” many people take (or talk about at least) in January when they’re all full of hope and enthusiasm for healthy living except kinder and more gentle.

Plus I know myself and, let’s face it, an entire dry month is out of reach for me right now. My day to day is too mentally demanding to impose the level of self control required… and before you start lecturing me about unhealthy attachments to alcohol and all that check how many pops…err, sodas you’re drinking a week. I don’t drink all that much but I do enjoy a good quality beer in the evening. And unfortunately the beers I enjoy tend to be quite high in calories.

That’s right, KBS, I’m looking at you!

So, this September I’ve been going semi-dry and (mostly) limiting my intake of super yummy but sadistically high calorie beers to the weekend. Hopefully the reduction in calories this brings will tip the scales in my favor.

Thus far I’ve had mixed results but it’s a start, maybe a start that will lead to better habits. And, at the end of the day, we are our habits.

Sharks and Kilts

Shortly after writing my most recent post (yes, that one that was published months ago) I started working on a sewing project. I was pretty excited about this one; it had been in the works for almost a year, realistically probably more than a year. I’m kind of bad with time. (Understatement of the year right there!) I was on a school break and my kids were about to go on a trip that this particular project needed to be on…

It’s a shark dress for my shark-loving teenage daughter; my kids (and two of their cousins) were going on a road trip with my parents and they would be seeing the ocean for the first time.

As I said, this simple retro dress took a long time to materialize. Not because it’s complex or anything, when I actually got to the making of it it only took a couple days, but because the fabric and pattern had been sitting on my sewing table for months and months waiting to be made into something cool, fun, and totally unique. Back in late December, over Christmas break, I had thoughts of constructing this for my daughters upcoming 16th birthday. Obviously that didn’t happen but there I was in late March with a teensy bit of time for sewing and a deadline. Deadlines make things happen!

I picked up the vintage Simplicity pattern at a garage sale years ago. At the time it had no specific purpose but when I saw it in my excessive stash of patterns I knew it was perfect for this material. The clean cut style compliments the size of the material’s print, the pattern’s darts give it a lovely fitted shape, and it’s got pockets. Actually the pockets are probably my favorite part of this dress. That and the coilar that’s made from a remnant of formal dress material; I think it contrasts the simplicity of the cotton material and it matches the blue in the print so well.

My daughter loved the dress…but, much to my disappointment, she did not end up wearing it on their trip. She did get to see a couple real, live sharks in the ocean though.

This second project, a kilt as the title of the post suggests, is another school break project. Currently I am on my longest break of the year, I’ve got most of the month of May off school. While I’m enjoying dental school the pace of it is intense and I’m happy for the chance to take a break, regroup, and get my house in order (literally get my house in order…the place is a disaster). And after the last two months of driving two plus hours a day to sit in a classroom for hours then coming home and trying to cram as much studying in around the never ending parenting and household duties I was ready to make something fun. Really I was ready to make anything… I miss having time to be “crafty” and create things when I’m amidst the craziness of end-of-semester-dental school.

I made a very costume-y kilt a couple years ago when my oldest son was in the high school Shakespeare class production of Macbeth.  It was made of cheap, colorful flannel plaid and, while it was very fun, it was not what one might call quality.

Check out those pleats!

It even matches his socks.

The Quick & Dirty kilt.

After seeing the quick and dirty kilt, my brother-in-law (who has some Scottish heritage and a last name that actually has a plaid to it) asked about making him a kilt. It’s something that had come up a few times since then but any decently authentic kilt material is crazy expensive.  I had been keeping my eye out for a good price on some MacGregor plaid but had not come across any so this idea stayed in the realm of hypothetical ideas for quite a while.

Almost a year ago (11 months yesterday to be exact) my sister, this brother-in-law’s spouse, unexpectedly died. There’s not much of anything positive that can be said about that and we’re all still just trying to cope with the loss. BUT my sister was a smart, pro-active woman and she had life insurance and a will and trust all set up. (She was a lawyer and had a side business doing will and trust work for individuals.) With that and the fact that her student loan debt died with her, my brother-in-law is in a pretty financially secure situation. He decided to treat himself and finally bought the good stuff…Authentic kilt wool!

Coincidentally I was planning on making this kilt over my spring break back in March but the shark dress took precedence and I had to set this aside until this May break.

Since I’ve only ever made the one kilt I was quite nervous to cut into the fabric, especially knowing how expensive it is. I spent a day Googling “how to make an authentic kilt”, measuring and folding the fabric. It was helpful but I knew if I was going to get this thing done I just needed to cut and go for it.

I had measured my brother-in-law’s waist and hips and then, for good measure, wrapped the green lining material around him and cut it directly to fit. That was very helpful in the end because it reassured me that I was, in fact, doing this right and making something that would fit.

 

Turns out my fretting was unnecessary and I DO know what I’m doing (a little bit). The kilt is awesome. He came and picked it up yesterday and, other than a little tightening at the waist, the fit was perfect. One of the great things about the really nice material is that it had a finished top and bottom edge so I didn’t have to hem this thing. (Yay!) I had to cut the finished top edge to make the kilt the right length but I was able to use that cut edge for the waist band and enjoy the benefit of not having to fold that under again.

The last detail of the kilt is probably my favorite part of it: the buckles. My brother-in-law asked that the kilt be as authentic as reasonably possible but I was having a hard time finding authentic buckles and straps for it. Neither of us wanted to wait for something to be shipped so I made a trip to the local fabric store and came up with this.

 

A couple clasps and rings and some leather scrap.

I cut the leather into strips and used the thing that looks like a plug (but should definitely NOT be inserted into an outlet) to punch holes in the leather. The holes functioned like stitch markers; using quilting thread I stitched it all on nice and tightly.

I really love how the fasteners turned out. They’re my favorite part of the kilt and if/when I make another I’ll use this method again.

 

So there you have it, sharks and kilts. I’ve realized that when you have very limited opportunities to make things you should choose to make the things that you are excited about. 

Self-sabotage, my old friend.

To be human is to practice the art of self-sabotage to some degree or another; whether we acknowledge it or not, everyone does it. Some of us, like myself, are well practiced at self-sabotage. Maybe even a master. I mean, if you’re going to do it, do it right! Go big or go home! (I’m a fan of using ridiculous mantras to justify my life choices…especially the bad ones.)

This past fall I started dental school. It’s a pretty big deal and a goal I’ve worked towards for a total of twelve years total. There were some diversions and a span of a few years where I did not think this was going to happen. To be honest, I could have made things much easier on myself and taken a more direct route. But, like I said, I’m a master of self-sabotage. Now that I’ve made it, for all intents and purposes my goal of being a dentist is as good as accomplished (minus four years of intense schooling that leaves VERY little time for anything else), I thought I had moved beyond the habit of self-sabotage. Silly me!

School started in August. It’s been six months (I’m on spring break now hence the random blogging); in that time I’ve grown quite a bit. The first semester was a lesson in adaptation; it took a hot minute to feel comfortable in my class of (mostly) very pretty and privileged (mostly) 22 year olds. I’ve learned how to manage my expectations of myself while balancing 25 credits a semester with 2-3 hours of commuting a day and the demands of managing a four-kid-household. I’ve realized that C’s really do get degrees and are okay (once you’re actually in your program) as long as you’re learning everything you need to know to be successful. Like I said, I’ve grown quite a bit… I’ve also grown a bit physically too.

Before mid-August I was running quite regularly, doing fun runs every few weeks. When school started my activity level declined dramatically. Along with not running much I was sitting, literally just sitting, eight to ten hours a day five days a week. I manged a fun 5k with my nine-year-old and a random 10k race in October but on a day-to-day basis…pretty much nothing.

When I’m not in school sitting I’m at home sitting and studying. So. Much. Studying!

Just before Thanksgiving I discovered that my blood pressure had gotten high. For a weekend it was very high. I was both shocked and panicked (which probably just made my blood pressure even higher).  How did this happen? I’m healthy, I’m a runner!!! Well, I was a runner. But still, it hadn’t been that long!

I took stock of the situation and realized I had also managed to tack on close to fifteen pounds of extra weight. (I know that’s not really That much but I’m a small person, even five pounds on my five foot two self is notable). One of the sets of scrubs I had bought at the beginning of the school year didn’t even fit anymore. Yikes! This didn’t happen all at once, it was a slow, steady creep to an overweight and unhealthy me. I had this idea that I was a fit, healthy person but obviously my self-perception was inaccurate. High blood pressure has wreaked havoc on the women in my family lately. I was motivated to do better, I started getting up even earlier than I already was to run a couple miles on my handy-dandy treadmill a few times a week.

And it was helping. My blood pressure went down to borderline high instead of Yikes high. My monthly mileage has been close to 40 again. I felt pretty decent, like I was building better habits and being healthy…But my weight was not really moving. Sure it would go down for a day or two but it always creeped back up. What the actual F was going on here?

I was starting to get frustrated…Until one day, just after an early and gross two miles on the treadmill, it hit me…Self-Sabotage!

Here I was pushing myself to get up and run, working hard to get back to a state of good health, but at the same time I was eating whatever was convenient and drinking a good (heavy) craft beer or two at least four times a week. And I was using the more regular running to justify it. I’d tell myself it was a treat… you know, for all that hard work. (eye roll!) It was one or two steps forward, one or two steps back which equals not moving at all! As soon as I saw it I was irritated with myself. What’s the point of missing sleep and working to get back in shape if I was just going to pull the rug out from under my feet and end up back where I started at the end of the day?

Self sabotage at its finest! 

Now that I’ve caught myself employing the old self-sabotage tactics I’ve been a little more conscientious about what, when, and why I’m eating and drinking. Awareness is half the battle.

Awareness = knowing. Now all I need are some lasers.

Time will tell exactly how effective my new found awareness of my own negative tendencies will be in getting back to a fit and healthy state. Either way this has been a good reminder of the importance of consistent good habits and self-awareness (not my strongest suits). You can’t sit back and coast on yesterday’s success; reaching one goal, even a big one, does not mean you can just stop working. (Mantras again.)

Here’s to health, well-being, and regular running!

 

New Year’s Resolutions are my Jam!

Every year at this time I like to stop reflect and make some loose plans for the future. I also like looking back at each post to see what I accomplished and still need to work on.

Last year I really wanted a new job. That happened twice this past year and both were improvements. I’m ready to relax into my new position and stay for awhile. That’s the cool thing about nursing though, there’s always opportunities and it’s possible to find a job that’s a good fit. I finally got into psych nursing and I think this is my place. At least for awhile.

Last year I wanted to try a new hobby and I did. I took several photography classes and really learned to use my DSLR camera. I like it. I’m not super good at it yet but that part doesn’t matter. It’s enjoyable and that’s the part the counts.

Now to get to the point, resolutions for this year:

My favorite, constant challenge, to lose some weight. Cliche, I know, but also necessary.

Next, to try new things. I really have enjoyed photography and now I want to try some more new hobbies. Maybe take a language. Maybe learn to sew or quilt. Maybe connect to resolution #1 and try some yoga.

Further, read more. We just put together our library and there are so many good books in there that I haven’t read yet. I definitely need to make more time to read.

And, last but not least, start the next part of renovations. Maybe the bedroom, probably the basement but either way it needs to begin again.

Home Renovations Continue: Things are finally coming together

After being stuck in the basement for a short duration, we kicked up the home renovations up a notch. The floors turned out great.

 

Freshly sealed

Getting ready to paint a door

Next I began to finish the extra bedroom where I had taken down the chair rail.  The vision was to turn it into a bit of a library. So fresh paint, new light fixtures, and fancy new bookshelves went in.

All outlets were replaced

New and pretty!

New bookshelves from our local historical society who was giving them away for free!

Next the living room was tackled.

Supervising the progress

Starting to cut in

Next to do was getting the trim up. We also decided to replace light fixtures. Oh, so much progress yet so much more to go.